Every now and then I take the time to pass on some of the wisdom I’ve gained over my many years as a near-pro video gamer to the ordinary men and women who enjoy video games as a hobby. I see this as part of the obligations that come with my natural talent.
Today I want to give you some tips on how to survive Lara Croft’s latest adventure.
First, I will explain how an amateur player handles each situation. If the description sounds like how you play, don’t be embarrassed – we can all get better. Well, everyone except me – but that’s what the professional descriptions are for. They explain how I personally mastered the respective situation. Study these descriptions well so that you can become more like me.
Situation: As you run and crawl to escape a collapsing cave, a madman grabs you from behind.
Here’s how an amateur deals with it: Follow the on-screen advice/tips to shake off the crazy and escape.
This is how a professional does it: Wiggle the analog stick awkwardly because you despise quick timer events and get crushed by a rock. Wiggle around more wildly the second time, but miss the button clue at the end of the sequence to get crushed by the same rock again. Wind your way through the sequence a third time and press the indicated button as soon as the clue appears on the screen, forgetting that you have to press it at exactly the right moment. They are crushed by the rock. In turn. Play through the sequence a fourth time, constantly muttering to yourself about how stupid QTEs are.
Situation: After escaping the cave, you will come across a campfire.
Here’s how an amateur deals with it: Sit down to save your game and upgrade your skills and equipment.
This is how a professional does it: Try jumping into the campfire to see if you can get burned. When you realize you’re taking damage, continue jumping and rolling through the flames to see if you can kill yourself that way. After you die, ask yourself whether psychiatric science already has a name for the mental state that causes you to do such a thing.
Situation: They enter a wolf’s den in search of a radio.
Here’s how an amateur deals with it: Make your way quickly, find the radio, then keep the alpha wolf at bay by following the on-screen instructions.
This is how a professional does it: Inch your way through the cave, scaring everyone written into the game, feeling like a fool for falling for such effects. Freak out when the wolf jumps at you, causing you to act like you’re a six-year-old watching Gmork from The Neverending Story for the first time. After the fight, spend 20 minutes googling for pictures of Gmork to compare with what you just saw. (I swear the wolves must be related to Gmork.)
Situation: Your search for Lara’s comrades from the ship, who are also stranded on the island, takes you to a new location.
Here’s how an amateur deals with it: Activate Lara’s Survival Instinct mode to locate your target and other things of interest.
This is how a professional does it: Search every square inch of the new environment, breaking jars and pots and jumping them up to nets that are clearly out of your reach, wondering what they might be used for. Scare yourself by tripping into a thorny bush and injuring yourself, then stand under a hanging lantern and jump up repeatedly because you find it funny when Lara hits her head.
Situation: Enemy is trapped under rubble and begs you to spare his life.
Here’s how an amateur deals with it: Be merciful and do not stray from the right path. Ultimately, it is Lara’s humanity that sets her apart from the island’s brutal inhabitants. Sacrificing that for a moment of cheap revenge would paint them in as bad a light as the despicable scum they’re against…
This is how a professional does it: Oh, you’re blowing this guy’s head off.
Situation: They come across a canyon full of rocky outcrops and small rocky islands, ideal for taking advantage of Lara’s rope bridge ability.
Here’s how an amateur deals with it: Place a navigation point on your map and use Survival Instinct to move to it.
This is how a professional does it: Shoot ropes in all directions until you become completely disoriented. Stumble into areas you’ve already been to and then fall down a waterfall. Look for a ledge to jump off of, hoping you’ll respawn at your Objective. Eventually you give up and accept that you will have to laboriously climb all the way back up.
Situation: While trying to cross a river, Lara is swept away by the raging waters.
Here’s how an amateur deals with it: Slide back and forth to avoid obstacles and use your shotgun to clear debris.
This is how a professional does it: Get impaled by the same metal rod ten times in a row because, as it turns out, it’s hard to tell exactly what’s going on when the whole screen is shaking. After you finally make it down the river, the game continues with a paragliding sequence, which results in you being impaled by a tree branch ten times. Swear that you will never go rafting, skydiving or paragliding in real life.
Situation: You enter a tomb just waiting to be looted.
Here’s how an amateur deals with it: Use your survival instinct to locate important objects in the area. Listen to Lara’s observations for further clues.
This is how a professional does it: Fumble around Grab like an idiot because you want to find out the solution to the puzzle without using any clues. Fail miserably at trying to solve the puzzle, then try the same solution ten more times. Finally, realize that you missed a really obvious part of the puzzle and then continue playing in silence in shame.
Situation: Numerous enemies equipped with various weapons are approaching your position.
Here’s how an amateur deals with it: Use an arsenal of different techniques to deal with the situation. Kill distant enemies with the bow, then use the shotgun and pistol to kill mid-range enemies. Defend any ambushes with your shotgun and use Lara’s ax in close combat to quickly eliminate opponents.
This is how a professional does it: You know you have incendiary arrows, right? Shoot every enemy on fire, regardless of how close they are to you or to highly flammable barrels or explosive gas. Because incendiary arrows.
Situation: You have successfully completed the story mode and are ready to jump into the multiplayer part.
Here’s how an amateur deals with it: Play a few matches with casual players to get used to the differences between the two factions before attempting ranked matches. Customize your classes and skills to suit your playstyle and purchase weapon upgrades between rounds.
This is how a professional does it: There is a multiplayer mode?
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